the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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