i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
