she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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