I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
