as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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