no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the condom got lost in my hair
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
