I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?