miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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