I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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