so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i was born a porn star she said
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
