I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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