a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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