so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
