I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
