Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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