I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
