you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
