dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
