Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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