my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
