i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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