so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
