He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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