Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
