Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
