you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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