Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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