i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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