So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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