Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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