@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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