You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
