whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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