I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
