Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
