wakey wakey hands off snakey
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He better not be in your backpack
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
