I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
