The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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