i may or may not be watching the land before time
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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