I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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