I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
