I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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