my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
