so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
