I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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