Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
