I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
