I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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