i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is the high leading the old right now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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