Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
