TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
