Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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