he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
