I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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