I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
