I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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