chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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